Random Ramblings

And now, here to astound you all, is Seir, with one of her (patents pending) EpicPosts©

Here is part one- Sunday December 21, 2008 through Wednesday December 24, 2008.

Sunday: Well, I had a... short and bizarre day.

TRIED to get up at 11:40. I battled with my alarm until... 1:40? I think? D: I know someone came in and talked to me at that point. Ah yes, Dad was going out shopping, and wanted to know if I wanted to come with. I said no, I wasn't ready... he left at 1:40.
Should've gone.

I turned off my alarm... sometime, and then it was 2:50 something before I knew it. After a 3-hour battle to get up, I hid my head in shame and utter... loathing at how retarded it all was. Then, it was 3:50, which was even worse.

I finally cut the crap and got out of bed.
I immediately started cleaning. Sister is playing Mario, sitting amongst all sorts of crap. I fold up the blanket that goes on the couch, folded and put away laundry that was just... sitting there, and started moving my schoolwork back into my room. I promised I'd get that portfolio out of there, and I did.

My parents came home - apparently mom left too, and she was like 'Oh, I thought you were awake when we left!' I was talking, yes. Awake? Not so much. They were surprised I was cleaning, and said it cheerfully 'She's actually doing something!' or something to the effect. I guess that's the thanks I get...

I continued my cleaning spree. I sorted out all my stuff from last year- well, not so much sorted, but put it all in one place, along with the new stuff. XD I need a flat file so bad. Or like one of those vertical... wooden crates, like they held our portfolios in for review... But for now, between my bed and that danged changing table acting as a lampstand will do.

I took all my books, and stacked them, instead of having them growing out horizontally, as I keep adding to the... stuff on the floor. I took all my old sketchbooks out from my pile in the living room, and stacked them on top of one of the stacks. It actually felt pretty nice. It's like... they're with ME now. I took them back into myself, in a way, it felt like. XD

Then, I went to tackle the... rest of all that crap in front of the closet...
I took the snake automata I made last fall, and put it near the toys. Wow, that was a year ago...?
Doesn't seem like it...
I put all my storyboards and flipbooks and yearbooks and some other things back on the stacks too. And I rearranged some of the other stuff, took all the shit off the top of the pile- things in bags, etc...
Took some Barbies (well, a mermaid, Sailor Neptune, Francie, and a Jem doll) and clothes back to the barbies...
XD I always thought Neptune was so pretty. XD And Uranus was pretty badass. XD XD XD XD
But really, there wasn't much of them in the episodes I used to watch. Rei was my favorite... I carried the doll of her EVERYWHERE.
Neptune mom found at a thrift store awhile back. She has the most brilliant hair...

ANYway. I was at wits end, though, by this point - because I hadn't eaten a thing. So I had some cheese and crackers, and then cleaned off the rest of the stuff, to get down to the nitty gritty.
There was a box of stuff from Senior year of high school- binders and papers, etc - as well as just a horizontal-stack (don't know what else to call these... Like on a bookshelf, but without the shelf part) of papers from Junior year.

We ate dinner...

I went through it, sort of. Recycled some things. Put the Junior year stuff in a box, and the Senior stuff in its box so it fit...

Somewhere in there, mom wanted snacks, so everyone took a break from their games and television (I was watching while I worked, and took a break from working to watch this one show and eat dessert...) to go run down to the 7-11. I asked for a Slurpee... XD

It was so QUIET with them gone. I noticed something- that I never... heard one thing positive coming from anyone today. I'm guilty of it too- I'd gripe at my sister for leaving things on the table, or whatnot... - but HONESTLY. She was being disgusting at the table, and I tell her to stop, she won't, and I run away - and then she calls me rude. And then everyone complains at me for yelling.
"Don't you see it's... BACKWARDS?!"
"What's backwards?"
But sis gets really frustrated with the game, and when she was WATCHING she'd get mad at me for moving in front of her, and tell Dad what to do. Mom and I left the room for not even five minutes, and they started going at it...
Mom wasn't too bad. But my sister and Dad were being just... grumps. My sis is acting like a seething ball of hate for everything, and I just keep telling her 'Please... calm down. Stop being... so MAD at everyone and everything...'
She isn't giving anyone a chance to be anything other than... what she thinks they are.
And apparently, she's taken to calling me 'stupid' and 'dumb' again.
Do you know what that does to someone?
I didn't realize it, but her saying that used to creep into my head. Now I just yell at her 'I'm not dumb!'
Because if you hear it enough times, you begin to believe it...

So everyone left, and I looked through my Junior year math notebook, in which I sketched a lot of stuff that was the precursor to Kragsyde, and a lot of Gorillaz. XD I also found drawings of a... depraved? girl, a witch burning, a girl clutching her head at a desk... writings about me thoroughly denouncing the National Honor Society for how it operated and took away from schoolwork and mind-fucked the students (which is actually well-written and coherent...) and a note about me feeling 'much better' after spending a day at home after being mentally and physically exhausted. And then how mom thought I was either 'on drugs or really really tired.' It was the latter, of course.
It... just reminded me of those days.
I realized how different I was, how much of a ball of psychosis I was. I still am, but I at least am beginning to realize what makes me feel as I do, or something. I feel like I'm just in more control, in general.
Maybe not.
But... I do feel like I'm at least somehow different. Which is good. It's like, I've stepped back from it all, and seen what I was- and I realize what was going on. I guess in a few years, I'll see what I am now in the same way?

Hmmm..


They came back home too soon.

I ate my slurpee gratefully, as well as tidbits of other snacks they brought back- some chips and a muffin. There was more fighting, as described. The slurpee had this weird... dusty? aftertaste, though, which I figured was from the cup or the straw or something.

After that, I start putting boxes in my room. I stack them, and get a new box for these extra binders I had...
Now I have like, 4& a half boxes of school papers, 5 boxes stacked in a ginormous tower in my room. XD After much work.

I'd been waiting to move all that stuff out of the living room until I actually had the SPACE for these, but... well, no one seems to realize this. So I'll just keep stacking until everything that's mine will be in my room, and I'll eventually dig out from under it. And get all of what is my mom's out of my damn closet.

Now my stomach's upset with me- my sister's was too. I wonder if there really WAS something wrong with the slurpees, since she had one too. Of course, she complained and acted like she was dying. I guess I've had enough stomach upsets to just bear through it. I'm fine now.

It's 4 AM when I promised I'd go to bed at 3, and her fucking alarm is going off again. FUCK ALARM.

Anyway. Now I've still got a slew of art supplies and college papers and other printed matter out there I don't know what to do with, but I'll figure it out.

But heh. I don't know why I didn't get hardly any recognition for all that work- I guess they expected me to do it? A 'Hey, thanks for finally cleaning that up' would've been nice. Though, I did shock my sister. XD She said she was surprised at how much cleaner it was, and that was only a little ways into the work. :D
When Dad came back, when I was getting started, he was like 'If you girls would clean off the table, we could get the tree up...' And I was like 'I'M TRYING TO PUT THIS STUFF AWAY.'
I've been wanting to do this for the past week. I did it, though...
Maybe it wasn't what they WANTED me to do. Augh...
Or maybe it was because I was asleep?
Gah.
Mom said 'I guess that's her christmas present to us,' or something, though. In a way it is, I guess... I still need to go shopping... aaaaaaaagh.

Aside from grumblings, I read some more of Pagan Ways by Gwydion O'Hara, that book I mentioned last time. There was talk of the God and Goddess of various religions over time... and though I don't... necessarily agree with grouping genders- or really, saying one gender is always this way or that there are 'masculine' and 'feminine' things..? I did get what they were saying... and also, about cyclical things. Dawn, midday, and dusk. Death and birth. And how sometimes, these things get balanced out... XD They mentioned Hades and Persephone's story - in which he takes the young, bright daughter of Vesta down to the underworld to be his queen - and how it shows that balance. Also, that story explained the seasons - spring was when she was on earth, winter when she went below, and Vesta mourned... (and oops, I'm mixing up my Greek and Roman names, lol. XD)
I just remembered the story from this mythology book I had as a kid, that my mom got me for christmas. The illustrations were from the 1920's, and I loved them- I think they had a big influence on me. But I know almost every story from that book very well...

Then there was a chapter on the 4 elements, and the traits and CREATURES behind said elements. XD And I realized I've been thinking... this way all along. We often joke in our house that the house is eating things, or something is making off with them. XD It's probably just the mess, but honestly, things disappear. It could be a gnome. Maybe we've done something to upset them...? XD
But I always look at nature with a sense of awe. A breeze, a rain, walking on rocks, watching fire, even just being outside... I dunnno. Maybe it's because I stay in so often, so focused on work, being eaten by the computer, school, my house, that whenever I get out, it's that much more important. But whatever the case, I have a great reverence for it.
I hate to see trees chopped down. I love forests that are overgrown. I was deeply disturbed by a bunch of trees that were not only cut down, but thrown into piles and burned, to make room for a slew of new, gated-community, cookie-cutter houses. As we drove by, watching bulldozers and flames and the gray ground whiz by, I didn't know what to say.
But I'll watch a fire forever, and fell asleep by the sea on the sand... And I see what you mean, Erin. It's hard to think of this planet in purely scientific... ways. You can't not see that things are alive.
I guess that's why I have a hard time giving things up - I don't want to incur any damage to anything, get any spirits mad at me. And it's hard, especially, with toys and dolls, who are almost like little beings in themselves. And we have a LOT of them. 0_0

As to elements of myself, I think I like air- the intellectual, artistic, lofty - quite a bit, and am moved mostly by fire- passion and courage and warmth - and LONG for it...
But as to the stability of earth- AHAHAHA. Maybe I need some more stability. And I loooooove to swim, but dunno how much... I'm like it? All 'mysterious' was all it said about it... XD That, and the forces of death??? D: I dunno.

Though, I wonder - I was born in a winter month. Does that make me more predisposed...to something? XD The darker side of things?

GAH- ok, this sounds corny, but it's like I'm some sort of fire burning in the darkness. I hope someone sees me, I hope to eat up the darkness and figure out what it's all about.
Huh, I just realized I wrote something like that in... 10th grade? That reality is like a dark room, and you gradually add boxes and pictures and light, and see more and more of it. And if you're lucky, you'll see into other people's rooms... and understand.
I dunno. I feel like I'm working toward nothing? Or something?
I know I've built up walls around myself. I've made barriers for myself to live within and to keep others out. Now, I'm letting more people in... like I have one of those... XD YES. One of those shutter things you see in movies on the doors of speakeasies- where they ask '...who sent ya?' I'll open that shutter and talk, I'll rant and rave and tell, but I'm still largely in a prison of my own making.

What do I want?
I want to succeed in my work, tell my stories to the world.
I want to live on my own somehow.
I want to be in love.
That's... all I know.
But... HOW do I want to live?
Well. I want to be kind, and want others to be that way to me. I want to find the truth, and speak the truth. I want to...
What do I want?
I want to stop feeling 'crazy.' I want to believe I'm normal and fine with all my heart.
I don't want to be sad, want to cry - at least, not as much.
I want to please people. I want to stop wanting to please people. I want to stop worrying so much about consequences. I wish things didn't matter so much to everyone, and to me. I wish things were more chill. I wish I would stop being so stressed.

"She's been everybody else's girl/ maybe one day, she'll be her own."
Tori Amos' album "Little Earthquakes..." my god, it's so... applicable. XD

That's it. That's one of my goals- to make connections to others through what I make. To empathize, to let people know they're ok too. To even have something entertaining. ANYTHING- as long as I have some effect, I am not in vain.

But what can I do? I know how to work and learn towards that goal. But what about the others? What can I look to, what can I appeal to, what do I need? What is it in my life that I'm lacking - and how do I get it?
I'm trying so hard to be this person I want to be, and yet every few days, I get to a breaking point.
I wish things would make sense.
I wish everyone around me would stop berating each other, and me.
I think my efforts to tune them out are alright.
But now I see why I stay up so late-
it's because I can think for myself.
I don't have people telling me what to do.
I don't have my sister trying to show me random things every 5 seconds.
It's just me.

God, it's almost Christmas. So much to do...
I'll get it done.

But honestly...
THAT'S it.
I feel like they don't believe in me.
You guys believe in me. A lot.
My family doesn't expect much of me, even when I try my hardest to show them that yes, I am trustworthy, and yes, I work hard, and yes, I can do whatever I set my mind to. I feel like despite all of this, they don't think I'm as capable as I am.
Mom's always surprised at the outcome of my insane projects. She doesn't always think I'll get them done, and when they get done, and awesomely, she's usually pretty amazed.
It's because I believe in myself. I do.
I'm beginning to believe in myself in things besides art- like, being with people, or being able to handle piles and piles of mess.
It's hard being with people who want you to do a lot, but don't have the faith you'll do it. And maybe, I haven't given them proof to found their faith upon in the past - I've always been more concerned with schoolwork than housework, and I guess that's somehow come back to bite me in the butt.
I wish they'd have some blind faith for me. XD

But what is it I need? What???
Maybe it is just a lack of stability. I feel like I have all these things I want to do, and the drive to do them, but no firm footing on anything. Like it could all slip away in an instant- it actually does... My mind will just fall to pieces. There's nowhere to stand in my room. I have no workspace. My family is as temperamental as an ocean, and will rip away any sense of stability at any given notice, with discouraging words and more infighting than you can shake a stick at, interspersed with bright sunny days..

Dad comes by just now- 'Are you up? Good lord, do you know what time it is?'
'I know. I'm going to bed soon. I... had a stomachache too...' *as he's walking away*
*comes back* 'Ok...'

Dammit. God fucking dammit.

What god do I pray to? What thing could help me? Is there anyone? A saint, a god, a demi-god, a demon? My philosophy is, that God is some unfeeling THING- not a man, but rather, fate itself. And he doesn't give a fuck, really. I feel like I'm lucky, and that somehow, the story that's been planned for me will be a successful one, as it keeps happening. D: But what good is success if you're unhappy? What good is striving for a couple of goals- an art, independence, and better interacting with people - if you're still a mess on the inside? How CAN I get my house in order - my inner house?

I do believe in spirits and gods - so how do I reconcile that with a philosophy without them? That they're part of it?
I guess, I don't act like I have to bow down to EVERYTHING. I know I don't want to just take what I'm given- I'll accept what I've been dealt, but I'm going to work with those cards to get what I want in this life. Maybe I was going about it wrong.

I haven't asked god for help in awhile. I haven't. Unless it's like 'OH GOD PLEASE LET ME FINISH THIS ASSIGNMENT,' really.
Is a prayer all it takes?
A belief someone's listening?
Who, though? XD
Even if it's some sort of fate switchboard-master, it'd be something.
Heh.
I didn't think I'd ever really turn to religion again. I thought I was set in my ways. But now I see what I believed was kind of... half formed, and imperfect. Pretty hard to defend such a thing... and explain. Maybe in the explaining, it's undone itself.
I don't want to be a sheep, and follow people. Anyone, really.
But I do want to get some help from someone...
"pray to whatever god you think will listen... and still it makes no difference"
No Nny, it may make a difference.
...Who am I kidding....

But maybe it will.
I thought I was forsaken (lol, that word's been ruined for me too. Like Twilight. XD) somehow. I can't look at the sun, I can't... see cause and effect.
I ask god for help, and he doesn't listen.
I ask god for strength, and I still feel powerless.
I'll pray for help with some project, and it won't go so hot.
I dunno, though, haven't been making a tally of those... XD
I used to pray every night- the 'now I lay me down to sleep'...
and include a prayer for the whole world - I'd say "Bless my family, and my friends, and everyone else..." because even if people were bad, or down on their luck, forgotten, then they'd need a blessing most of all. The people no one would wish luck upon need luck the most, in order to get on track, after all...
And maybe I'd say something to help me out with some problem...

When did I stop doing that?
I got tired of saying it. I got busy...
But when I stopped, did things start going bad?

I felt like such a fool, though.
I had no idea if anyone was listening.
And I'd clasp my hands so fervently to my chest, a prayer-fist, and say 'PLEASE..'
I don't remember what for... so I don't know if I got it.
I'd tell it to make my overwhelming stress go away, though, and it never helped worth a damn.
In that regard, it makes no difference.

Would such a simple act kill me?
Did I shun a god because of the people around him?
Is he mad?
Is my god capable of getting mad?
Am I in anyone's good graces???
WHAT THE FUCK. UGH.
I'm going to close my eyes and ask, and see if for once I get a response.
Maybe I'm just not being specific enough.
Maybe I should ask you-know-who if "God" doesn't answer.
I did, after all, get a response from him - but it was super-negative. XD
Or maybe I need to ask someone female. D:

I dunno.
I do know, I'm probably going to get up late again. I damn sure hope not.


Monday:-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2:39 PM
I didn't get up just now~! :D SO HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

I did wake up to my alarm. I was about ready to get up by... around 12:30, but I yelled at my dad because he was getting hyper- almost on hysterical - about 'come on you need to get up don't you need to check on that girl's cat?!?!?' And I finally was like - 'YES I KNOW STOP YELLING AT ME EVERY FIVE MINUTES. I turned off my alarm, went to get up, and fell asleep for a half hour.... D:
Woke up, thought a bit, got dressed, ate something. It's 1:45 or so, and no one's... moving. Dad's getting frustrated at something on the computer. Sister's watching TV. Eventually, I'm like 'I'm... ready to go...'
Now we're waiting on HER to get going TOO. We're making another outing to Grandma's bearing gifts... and she wants to come along. OK. But she needed to get a shower and all sorts of stuff. Dad gave her 20 minutes... but that's almost up... and she's still not ready...

ANYway.
*goodness I say that a lot. lol.*
I wanted to talk about what I saw.
Now, I could've 'seen' nothing, just imagined it, or dreamed it up, only being half-awake, but I did see something, even if it was only in my mind's eye.

I closed my eyes and started talking to God, saying I was sorry, and hello, is this thing on? Things like that...?
The first thing I remember - well, the VERY first thing was the feeling I was talking to myself, spitting out answers I wanted to hear. I tried to listen? But maybe I was shutting it out???
I remembered seeing a flash of something horrific, though.
"What was that?!"
I didn't... really get an answer.
But I focused on that flash of a thing. I saw at first teeth, blocky and brown, then the bulging green eye, then a shoulder... it was like, the flashes kept getting faster until, film-like, I could see the whole thing- and then it faded away because I didn't want to look at it anymore.
It was a bald... decaying, person. The teeth were in a grin, because there was no flesh over them. The skin was slimy and brown. It reminded me of one those Incan mummies, sacrifices found in holes on the mountainside... I kept asking 'What is that? What is that???' And there was no answer.

I tried to listen for god, instead of myself. And in doing so, saw something odd. There was an old man, a butler-ly sort, holding his hands apart, as if holding a bell jar, or something. One hand below, one above, palms flat, a foot or two apart. And between his hands, there was a hologram of sorts of another man's head. The whole image was fuzzy and with a lot of static, and in a pale turquoise color... I kept hearing that voice of the god/spirit/whatsitthing in Shadow of the Collossus lol. XD And from it, trying to discern words....
Gah, was I not listening right...?!

Then, I was like 'Well hey, Satan... 'sup...' Immediately I got a sort of dragon-ish image, not too unlike Trigger's demon form - in the snout anyway... - hunched over in the bottom right of my vision, looking into the distance to my right... I was asking him questions, but I can't remember what they were or what he said. All I remember was that he seemed to answer questions with questions- like 'Well, what do you think?' *sarcasm*
It seemed that the longer I looked at him, the darker and redder it seemed to get... dark where he was, and red in the opposite. I remember seeing wings starting to open up, and once, there was a fireball of sorts that just kind of exploded off of him...

Then, I went back to god- I was like 'Did I make you angry? Are you angry?'
I think he said 'No, I am a benevolent god.'
Then I brought a goddess into this- I was like 'what about you? Are you mad at me for neglecting you?'
And she said, clear as a bell 'I am a benevolent god as well.'
D: It was a strong, clear voice. It surprised me...
I saw in my mind an art-nouveau-y goddess-type picture, but I don't know if that was what she really looked like. I don't know if any of these are the real image.. I DO know, though, that the fuzzy hologram weirdness and that creepy-ass mummy thing were pretty danged original, and frightening in that way. And not the figure of 'satan,' but rather that red light, that sense of being sucked into a hole... that was odd too. And that last voice...
I think it was after her that I'd kind of had enough of it all and fell asleep...
---
Now it's 3:40, and we're on our way to check on Cowla. FINALLY. After calling grandma and Em starting to play mario randomly and her stalling getting ready...

And then dad gets mad at me that we didn't go sooner. Because he wanted to take care of the cat earlier in the day, and go shopping for mom - and I couldn't have taken care of her earlier, because I didn't get up early enough. Goddammit.
Yes, it's all my fault. Hooray.
And 'Why did you have to bring that thing along?' *of my computer* 'Because I was writing something and wanted to finish it....'
That, times 3. DX
Mein gott.

...I'm tired.

I wanted to go shopping too, you know.

---
Celebreality

OH MY GOD I LOVE ROBERT PATTINSON. XD
I WANT TO SEND HIM A FAN LETTER OF "YOU ARE AWESOME."
First, he hates the character he's playing- and thus played him as a 'manic-depressive who hates himself'

The fans all thought he looked NOTHING LIKE EDWARD!!!111 in the beginning, apparently, and now are so rabid, that they scratch their necks and rush him, asking to bite them.

The main actors involved in Twilight are now fully aware Stephanie Meyer is batshit.

I read something about him in People magazine (My mom bought it because it was talking about Michael J. Fox and Parkinson's) - He says "I keep chanting a mantra - 'I'm not actually here.'" about the fangirls and also that the hysteria "is all hilarious." And apparently people were really griping - or at least making a big deal about his "unkempt" hair. Well, they put it as "scrutinized daily on fan blogs." I don't know if this is a sign of adoration or scorn, now, as people on television were calling it his 'Trademark.'
Well, I think- pretty sure - he said in an interview on TV 'Well, if something's your trademark, then you just have to get rid of it.'
HAHAHA.
HE CUT IT OFF.
BUZZ CUT. XD
"YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF MY HAIR? WELL LET ME TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU."
The lady on TV was upset. XD
I admit, I like ANYONE with longer hair better, generally, but that was just such a... awesome move.
Well played, Robert. Well played.
He doesn't give a FUCK. XD
It's AWESOME!
They're like 'OMG IS IT GOING TO BE LONG ENOUGH IN TIME FOR THE SEQUEL?!?!'
XD HE DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK. UNDERSTAND THIS.
Where is his address??? XD I want to wish him the best of luck for the next few hellish years of his life.


In other news, Lindsay Lohan is dating a girl?? A DJ named Sam?? WHAT?! AWESOME!
... AWESOME!
I was just thinking today, we need to have more... same-sex couples in the media. See, somehow I got to watching E! - late night funny shows, was it. They tricked me. (hence why I now know some random, irrelevant trivia.) But as they blathered on and on about who was dating who, I was like "This is such bullshit. It's all just rich people cycling amongst themselves... and there's no gay people... at all. And...GAH. This is such 'happy fancy-land' bullshit."
Then Lindsay Lohan is NOT dating some rich guy, but a GIRL? and a person who's relatively... NORMAL? One of the masses, and not the Hollywood elite?
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
I know Lohan's not... probably the best representative, but still. It's spreading an idea...
XD I AM PLEASED. AMONGST ALL THE NORMAL CELEBRITY CIRCUS, THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT PLAYING BY THEIR RULES.
Or maybe they are, and they're just trying to look like 'rebels.' But I don't care. I like it anyway.

[Later note - I saw a tabloid in the grocery store a little bit after that. It said "TWILIGHT IN TROUBLE!!" and had Robert there smirking on the cover, talking of wild parties and on-set love triangles and all sorts of bullshit. I can tell he's eating it up.
What an interesting circus....
I wonder if he's really a rebel, or just another cog in the machine. : \ If it's giving a lousy movie more attention than it's worth...
Celebrities confuse me. -_-]
--
Back to real life

In other news, been thinking of cutting MY hair actually. Any suggestions?
I wonder if I should try for the style I wanted before...? XD
Or if II should buzz it off. I actually thought of that today... ahaha.
And just when my mom and grandma said it looked nice... XD
But I have to pull it back all the time again. And I'm pulling out my hair again, because I play with all the little short hairs that are too short to be caught in the ponytail, without all the others getting in the way........
If I buzz it off, it'll grow OUT into the style I wanted... XD Lol. Shag.
Damn hair.
I wonder about color too. Though I'm okay with my mousy brown. I don't want to worry about having to dye it again. XD I'm too lazy...

Anyway.
Today, went and took of Cowla- she's lonely, but fine... My sister came over, and played with her too, petting her.. Cowla liked her a lot too. :D And then, we visited grandma to give her gifts. : ] Mom made her a hat, and dad got her a CD, and they found her a scrapbook that 'my sister and I' gave her. :P She really liked all of them. : ]

Came back home.. and my god, I didn't do much of anything all evening. XD Watched TV and games... Dad made pizza~! Mom wrapped dad's presents. I finalized my shopping plans... D: And I also finished this necklace I was making for my sister... :D And I found out about celebrities, which I generally don't give a shit about. Unless they're being awesome...

Today people were a lot more positive, though. Em and dad were talking nicely to each other. Everyone conspired about presents, and we all just chilled out.. It was nice.

Now infomercials are on... oy. Juicers and makeup. Oy oy.

-----

Tarot warning

I need to get to bed. Going to try to communicate with higher powers again, I guess. I'll see how that goes...

AH~! But I forgot something- See, I remembered today that tarot card reading that was done awhile back. And it's all coming true, lol. XD I don't know if I fully saw it then - that's why I needed it to be told, yes? - but now I do. It said that my problem was harmony and interpersonal relationships. I'm approaching it in a subservient and hardworking way. I'm afraid of making decisions. The future will be up in the air, be uncertain. The suggestion was prosperity and bliss. My warning was the devil.
Now, that's a pretty strong warning. And, in light of recent religio-philosophic-psychological ramblings... ahaha...
The devil card STANDS for subservience, dependency, vices, a whole slew of things...
But what if it's just the devil itself?

I STILL have this problem, approach, fear, etc. Though I am working towards independence, and my mom doesn't WANT me to be dependent on her if I move out- since I want it, and don't need it, I'm going to have to work for it myself. Which is both frustratingly not-helpful, and also probably the best thing for me to do. I have trouble with the hours I keep, and wonder how I'll do on my own...
I have to stop bowing down to everyone, afraid my decisions will step on their toes. I'm working on it, but it's just not moving fast enough for me.... AUGH.
I'm going for the suggestion- money, a job, my work, my career. But I want... other things too.

I got the devil as a warning. That's a strong card. Very strong. It's a strong warning about something, but what, exactly? What I did? - Staying at home? What I was considering? - that pesky Satanism? ANY sort of dependence on religion? Dependence on my friends? My family? The threat of getting un-serious about schoolwork and wanting to goof off more if I was on my own? (ahaha, I'm not home enough as it is. I've managed it fairly well on my own without family yelling at me to do my homework, so maybe not that one... XD) The threat OF vices that may open up? WHAT??!

I know I'll see it later, probably AFTER I've encountered it, fought with it, dealt with it, and then it's over with - late enough to realize I shouldn't have touched it with a 10 foot pole.

I'm going to talk to the voices in my head again. I wonder if they're really gods, or just figments that make me feel better cobbled together from what I've seen around me.

FUCK MY BRAIN. IT'S FUCKED UPPPPPPP....


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Tuesday:0_0

OK!
SO, dad came home from work early last night, sick as a dog. Today, he's STILL very sick. REALLY sick. I get woken up at 1 (didn't hear my alarm at all...), and given my assignment for the day.... which I did in full....

Mom got all po'd when we didn't sound like we were listening but we were. I guess I wasn't hopping to it fast enough. Sheesh.

Mom had to work from 3-midnight, and dad was bedridden, and could only drink seltzer by this point. SO my plans of going shopping for presents were totally shot. Instead, I watched my sister play Okami in between cleaning off the table, setting up the Christmas tree, washing dishes in HOT WATER TO KILL GERMS OMG, and making dinner, yelling at my sister to please set the table, for the love of god, eating dinner, and then sweeping up 'pine' needles and putting lights up. D:
The cleaning off the table and the putting the tree up were the joint efforts. My sister also put some stuff back on the table, and got the tree skirt out.
Oh yeah, and we had to feed the dog and take him out, and get dad seltzer, and make him Jello- only to make him throw up from it. Awesome!

The lights were the most fun bit. I got a strand up on the tree, and was actually able to plug in the light up star~! And I put icicle lights in the window in the living room, and in my room too. :D Suction cups with hooks ftw!

Now, I'm staying up, so I'll BE up, so Mom and I can go shopping in the morning. Watching Flashdance (lol. SO CHEESY AND UNREALISTIC. LOL. IT'S NOT EVEN THE ACTRESS DANCING! A WELDER??? And her 'boyfriend' is totally rape-tastic. D:) and GOING to work on mom's present, and write down... a fucking REVELATION.

As I was eating dinner, I realized one thing... and then another... and another... and all of a sudden, Sean's whole backstory revealed itself. The whole, damn, sad tale. And now I know why he is how he is. It's all making sense...
I can't say to anyone yet, but now I know. It's enough to make me cry... That poor kid, holy fuck...

But yeah... so I'm busy. And worried about dad. He sounds HORRIBLE. I just hope he's feeling better by Christmas so he can enjoy it... D:
And I hope everything goes well...
AND OH DEAR LORD, MY SISTER IS FAILING ALL BUT 2 CLASSES. WHAT THE FUCK.
We keep telling her to get her shit together and she fucking won't. Frustrating as all fucking hell...

But somehow, a bunch of lights make things ok... I don't know. I like hanging lights most of all.

Welp, writing time.

Oh, and no new news from the gods. I was too tired, and fell asleep before I could ask anything of them.

Ah- Flashdance is over. The moral of the story is that you can achieve your dreams if you don't give up on them. And also, if you sleep with a guy who knows people on the committee so they'll actually give you an audition....

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Wednesday was falling asleep after staying up until 8 AM, waking up at noon, going shopping for one thing on the list, being pissed we didn't have more time, mom going to work, me being fine with not getting everything, and then mom being sent home. XD A nice present! So we finished our shopping, went home, watched TV, wrapped things, and I finished a present for mom- a net bag I made by knotting macrame string. :B Yup. Up all night. XD I wrapped presents for mom, who was busy, and dad, who was sick, as well as all of the ones I bought. XD
Also, the mall on Christmas Eve... was both really packed, and... not as bad as I expected. When you were in the shops, things were fairly normal. XD


I severely apologize. D: And there's more! D8