Random Ramblings

I went for a run, AND I got homework done!
But I pulled a couple muscle and I didn't get any sleep. XD I really need to work on balance...

( An elaboration of the above. XD But that's really the moral of the story, there. )
And hey, today I got all my homework/studying done too! So I'm pretty effing happy, actually, about that... XD
Oh, and my legs are feeling better. They feel better as I use/stretch/walk on them. : ]

And now, here to astound you all, is Seir, with one of her (patents pending) EpicPosts©

Here is part one- Sunday December 21, 2008 through Wednesday December 24, 2008.

Sunday: ( Cleaning, cleaning, and religious emo ramblings. Goals in life.... )


Monday:( Visions and Family arguments )


Tuesday:( Notes on life, Sean revelation, the beginning of the sickness onslaught, Flashdance and Cleaning. )



( And Wednesday (really short) )


I severely apologize. D: And there's more! D8

THIS.... oh my word. Is a summary of... what? The past...4 days? WHOAH. AH. TIME GOING BY FAST. GAH GAH.
ANYway... This is what I've been up to. Sorry to put it all in one thing...
It took me 20 minutes to read, so just a heads-up. D: WTF I TALK TOO MUCH. D:
I also have a brief dissertation on Satanism in here somewhere. D: Because I was reminded of it. Lol.
Also, on family and animation and guns and gas masks and music and yadayada AHAHA.
So, here you go. I am NOT emo in this. I don't think. XD Except for the end. XD

( RAMMMMBLLLE! )

Bill Cosby... was at my school today... and I saw him.

DDD8
I can hardly believe it.

He gave a lecture- with a lot of humor, and some rambling and then getting back to the point. But it was great.

The underlying message was value yourself, value your children, value your parents. Change has to start with ourselves.

He's totally right.

( Last epic rant emo sad post for awhile, I swear. I've been laying off it for a couple of weeks... )

Ok. Today...

*Failed at internet shopping, a lot. Everything looks shifty, is out of stock, or is going to take forever to get here, in some combination of those three.. I think I'm going to try some IRL costume stores, and see what's left after the Halloween carnage.
*researched cosplay things
*Got my pants and jacket pinned up for altering- YAY FOR JACKET DARTS AND A WAISTBAND THAT FITS
*Traced the old pillbox hat pattern I had (so I didn't cut it) and cut out the interfacing, which was too short, but eh, I can piece that little section together.... XD

( LOLWTF. Negotiated with my mom, and my life decides to take ANOTHER hairpin turn.. Jesus fucking Christ! I'm on a rollercoaster!!! And not a fun one! Because... AH- it's like it's old and faulty. So the dangers seem really real... D: BUT THEN THEY AREN'T SO BAD???! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON ANYMORE, LOL. XD )

( My sister getting DENIED to go to a friend's place (more of the same crap...) as well as the fact that MY HOUSE HAS NO DOORS. Pretty much. )

I think, if I end up staying home, I'm making a demand for a door as part of the negotiations. What I need to do is sit down and negotiate with my parents. Tell them that I'd really, really like to move, but I understand the value of getting a job and learning to drive, and how important they are in making me grow up and be more independent. If I stay here next semester, I want and need a door for this semester and an exit strategy for next year then, and I'd do what they want me to (job, car) and if I were to move next semester, I'd promise to find ways to still do what they ask of me away from home. Let them know clearly what I want, and try to resolve it with what they want.

Wish me luck.

I need to clean something now.

Just more of my family drama.

Here- have some Fruits Basket to illustrate. I... remembered it this morning... If the pages are cut off by my layout, I'll just give you the link for where it starts...
WHYYYYYY DOES MY LAYOUT CUT OFF PICTURES??? HOW CAN I FIX IT??? >X[[[[
( In here )

Ok. I'm done ranting. I need to move on and get something done around here. I have a lot to do before Nekocon, and for school besides.
But all I really feel like do is slamming my head into the bathroom tile and watching the blood seep down it. Or going back to bed. Or crying.

I think I've been thrown into a depression. Have been for awhile. Things just keep getting added to it.

ZOMBEH. I AM ONE.


This song gets WAY too much airtime on the radio, and.. I think I equally hate it and think it's alright. :/ My favorite line is 'I hyperventilate.' XD
BUT. THAT'S IT. HOW I WAS FEELING BACK THERE A WEEK AGO. How I still sorta feel. But not as much.
Also- I found WNRN, which I think is the UVA station. They were actually playing a VARIETY, and songs I hadn't heard. Which was nice...

But yeah. Here's the super short version of the past couple days:

( The Sleepy Sunday, Dramallama Monday, and The Dingey Tuesday. )

Ok. Going to feed myself and try to get some work done before I pass out. Or after. Joy. T_T

Have a song I absolutely love, that's been running in my head writing this...

"I've seen what you're doing to me"

I can't take any more of any of this shit. From myself AND from my family. I just CAN'T.

I get up at 4 PM.
I think of all the shit I have to do.
I try to calculate the hours.
It does no good.
I eat something, clean up a little. I dry some dishes, and fold some laundry, as I'm asked, read my Twilight rant to my sister.
Because I don't set the table for dinner in time, Dad says 'You haven't done anything I've asked you to today.'
My response is "I dried dishes and folded laundry like you asked, and just because I didn't set the table right after you asked, I did NOTHING? Yeah. OK."
Also, my sister could've done something.
And, I didn't make salad. But I did fold laundry at the same time...
ANYWAY.

I still have work to do. I guess, this is what's getting me down - I'm just constantly playing catch-up with this work, it's all I do, and I feel like I'm struggling to SURVIVE here. Subsistence. And what's worse, is I'm barely subsisting. I want to be doing better, and to be doing more. To be doing something worthwhile. But... according to the cards, that's... my future, for awhile. So I guess I should get fucking used to it.

Heh, OK, I'll post up what I sent to Rek about the reading, because it sums it up pretty well.
( The Question Game )

So yeah. Sorry I haven't been on any instant messengers. I'm imposing a hiatus from it, because I'm not good enough at multitasking very well yet... XD
(Even though LJ isn't helping...)
God, I have to gather my thoughts, and get to WORK. I have to subsist for now. I just have to. I'll be going off to do that now.

If anyone has anything to say to me, leave me a message here, and I'll get it later this evening/coming morning. Or send me a note on here or DA or whatever if it be private, likewise.

ALSO, I've been waiting for almost 20 DAYS NOW for both the new/FINALE Hellsing chapter and information on moving into the dorms in the spring, and the internet gods have yet to answer my wishes. I've been checking for both with greater frequency every single day, and it's starting to wear on my nerves... I swear to god, I'm going to harrass somebody about both if there's no progress by Tuesday (a week after the Hellsing people were like 'Oh, it should be a couple of days...")

I think I figured it out-
Why I want to move.

There's everything I need here, physically, but... geez. I don't know.
( I can't be myself here anymore, because I've changed. THAT'S why. )

Also, I think I'm going to make an announcement on here? Tomorrow? Have to mull it over first. Don't know if I need to make an 'announcement' of it or not. It's both really important, and not really. XD AHAHAAHA.
...aaah, I'll probably say it. You know how I hate keeping secrets.

Gonna get some sleep now, and hope I don't fail as hard tomorrow.

Agck, so I'm sorry if I'm making you guys worry about me. : [] I'm fine... just frustrated.

When I referred to my 'plan' for today, I meant my schedule I made out for myself, so I would make progress. That's not going so hot, is all... D:

I got my dad to pose for me for almost an hour, so that's... fine. I got some of the basics mapped out, but stuff is probably wrong. I've got Wednesday though...

MOM knew wtf I was talking about, and I think is ok with picking me up at midnight, since it works with her schedule. Though both of them are like 'Every night?' And mom wants to start charging for gas and tolls, which she's talked about before, and sounds reasonable.

Still haven't eaten dinner, so SIGGRAPH's up in the air. : |

And now, moving at this point means either A) Parents'll have to pay for a lot of it or B) I'll need to be getting another loan for myself. If I want this, I'll work for it - just, it's annoying, and yet another thing they can use to leverage AGAINST me in this argument, instead of something I can use as a 'Hey, I'll be able to finance this!' : D

>:|

So I'm alright. Life's just being annoying. Sorry if I worried people. D:

( Dad doesn't understand why I need to go to the computer lab, or why I might want to move. :/ )

After a month, I found my mechanical pencil, hidden in the receipt pocket of my purse.

Financial Aid lady called back. NO, I may NOT have any more money, I get what I was given for this year. So if I need more money, I'd have to apply for an outside loan. Fuck.

The Gaara gourd I was working on now has mold on it from sitting on the porch for a year and a half. Damn.

Dad, who SUGGESTED modelling for me, FORGOT. So he was busy on the computer all morning, and I was like WTF - I just worked on other stuff, figuring he remembered and was only going to be on there a little while... Then he wants to make dinner and have it soon - like 5 or 6 - and gets mad about me asking... and there's SIGGRAPH at 7. It's currently 4. Fuckfuckfuck. WTF.
GODDAMMIT WHY AREN'T I MORE ASSERTIVE ARRRRRGH.
"Why can't you have your sister model for you?"
Um, dad, I think because that's probably ILLEGAL.

I love it how my plan for today's just spiralling down the drain. AWESOME.

And now I'm almost out of Epshteyn paper, too! Giant Vellum Bristol! Yay, let's spend more money. : D

Ugh. Now I'm stuck being... aaaaagh.
( Dad... *sigh* )
But... ahhhhhh... the thing that bothers me is that everyone just HAS to know where I am all the time, and I have to worry if they know or not, and they worry about me. And my dad told me "You tell me not to worry, but I will. I'm just a worrywort."
And aaaaaagh - I TOLD them, the reason why I want to move out is so that I won't have to rely on them all the time, and I'll just have to take up the responsiblity for myself... And then they don't want me to move out, but gripe when I take them for granted!
AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

I guess... my mom IS better about stuff sometimes. She doesn't really care what I do, as long as I let her know that/how I want to be picked up. She wants me to respect her, and I try my hardest to - but she's like 'We're not responsible for you anymore - so you can do what you want.'
Though sometimes I think she's saying it a little sarcastically? Or flippantly...?
Unfortunately, I don't think my dad sees it like that.
He's always been overprotective, and I think he always will be. No matter what.

I'm sure I'm annoying you guys, talking about my arguments with my parents all the time - but that's probably all in my head... ANYWAYS, you know how it's been. >_>...

I know moving out would mean no more homecooked meals, no more laundry and dishes getting done, all the cleaning's on me, and I'll have to buy my snacks... but... honestly. I feel like I might as WELL live here, since I spend SO MUCH TIME on campus, the driving thing's driving me NUTS, and... argh. I used to get homesick if I stayed overnight at someone's house, but I've done it so often now, that I don't really mind it at all. Sometimes... I'm even relieved. I feel like I don't talk enough to my family as it is, I feel like I can't work sometimes because I'm HOME, and I should be talking to them... I feel detached as it is. I want to be able to go where I want, when I want, and not require constant reports to HQ. I want this damn leash taken off. They've slacked it quite a bit, but it's annoying that it's there.

And I WILL be stressed out having to do stuff for myself, I know, at first, but... I think I'd be able to handle it, really.

I just hate that mom thinks it's silly and stupid to want to move out, when I can commute.
And that she wants me to learn to drive, but THAT's going... very slowly.
But it's NOT silly or stupid. It's perfectly justifiable. I just need to compile a list of reasons WHY before I talk to her again... XD
How about, 'that's part of what college is for' 'I want to be more responsible' 'I don't want to bother you guys anymore' 'My sister will be FINE' 'I don't spend much time at home as it IS' 'It'd be easier for me to work on projects if I was at school because then I could use the LAB HOURS ACTUALLY'

'I'm going to have to move out someday.'

I'd rather move out now, instead of after college or something - because NOW, I'm close to home if I need to be...
I was thinking, though, about my philosophy... and I think.. heh. That maybe the 'reason' why I haven't moved yet was so I could see the differences between living at home, and living away. It's helped me realize... differences between me and my parents, too. It's given me reason TO move, instead of just 'I should live in a dorm because I'm in college.' It's also made me appreciate what I have.

I think I'm growing into more of my own person as time goes on, though - which is great. But also... It's going to require a change.
I love my family very much, but... I don't want to live with them anymore. I just don't think I do.
So please - let me be 'stupid' or 'silly.' It's the only way I'm going to learn. And I need to.

My sister's afraid the world's going to end because of Swiss people trying recreate the big bang or summink (radiosoldier, I know you've been talking about it. : ] )
( Me ranting about my fail, my evening, my life, wanting to move, and why Sir Suicide isn't the answer- but he's looking tempting regardless. Basically, 'Sarah has an emoemoemo evening. )
'If the world ended tomorrow, part of me would be like "Aw crap." Because I didn't get to do all the things I wanted to do. Maybe now, thinking on it after this, I'd be kinda upset, because I didn't get to be the person I wanted to be, and maybe I didn't live my life how I should have. But on the other hand, part of me would just say "Thank God." Because I'd be out of this rat race they call 'life.' I just wouldn't have to fucking deal with it anymore. And my soul would float off to wherever it goes, along with everyone else's souls (since the whole world ended) and so I wouldn't be sad or alone.'
( Conclusion, further thoughts on The End. )

I didn't do much today. Cleaned the hamster cage, washed dishes, ate, watched Project Runway.

I got up at 10, and dad was STILL bitching at me. Which makes me want to crawl further into my bed and hide because I always feel like that when people are mad at me. I thought I was making an improvement, but apparently he disagrees. And fuck, I'll get up late tomorrow too, judging by the hour, and fuckfuckfuck.

But, however, I had a good idea... and I'm working on it...
I'm thinking of getting a new bed, since a) I need a new mattress and b) I want one of those loft beds so I can have a deskcave and maximize roomspace. I need to look at the unfinished furniture mart, because that way, hopefully I can save some money, and get a blank canvas to work with.

Of course, I have no idea how I'm going to pay for it. Hopefully mom will be generous?

But I say canvas, because I thought I could paint it. I got the idea thanks to Jhonen Vasquez's nifty flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/scolex/ where I found this. http://www.flickr.com/photos/scolex/2611992668/in/set-72157605795144584/

That's fucking PAINTED ON A DESK. (click for more on the left there.) So that gave me the idea to do something. Thing is, what?

Well, I figured out an aesthetic I really like. It's a mixture of all this shit:
( but it's AWESOME shit. )

So, I think it's a black/gray/dingy, spindly, complex, flowy aesthetic, kinda nervous, I guess in a way. Gothic, maybe. I dunno. It's weeeeeird. And I don't know what to do with it.

An idea I had was taking the edges, and making a border that looked like thin strips of wood with screws in it, and then have the space between be a sort of trompe-l'oeil thing, where it looked like a bunch of circuitry or vines or some such craziness.

I tested it out, and one method I thought of using was crosshatching. (which would require about a hundred fine point sharpies and patience of steel) I did a screw that looked amazing, but other designs that were just meh. I like the neurotic quality it lends, though.

I think the problem is, I totally fail at drawing decorative designs. Which SUCKS because I want to draw them. Fuck. So that means I'll study the stuff I found tonight, I suppose.

I'm thinking of making it an ongoing project, though, since I do NOT have the patience to sit there and do it in one go. So I'll set up the bed and draw on it gradually. Should be interesting.

ARRGH why do I come up with such complex ideas all the time?! XD Oh well. I want shit like this in my room, though.

Oh yeah, I took down this mobile I had in my room for probably a decade today. It.. really made the room feel more spacious...

OK! Long time no post, or so it seems.

I was, erm, banned from the computer Tuesday, since I was up at 5 AM on it, and I'm only supposed to be on until 2. :/ Stupid rules. And my sister got banned too, until mom could come home. Stupidness.....

But, my DAD, he's not feeling well. Dizzy, etc. He went to the emergency room, but they couldn't find anything wrong, so he's been going to all sorts of doctors to try and figure it out.

If it's not one thing it's another...

I dunno, I guess I don't have much sympathy since I pretty much ALWAYS feel dizzy and spaced out, and they can't find anything wrong with me. I guess it's probably more serious with him, maybe, but I feel like he's being a baby about it.

I'm not feeling well myself. Taking motrin like it's no-one's business. Hurgh, why must I be female.... DX

Pepe's still being semi-incontinent. And he's being really annoying, but I'd whine up a storm too if I was locked in the kitchen 24-7.



On the brighter side of things, I've been cleaning. ( At least I think it's brighter... )

ON A RELATED NOTE:

MAP
http://www.flickr.com/photos/24009972@N08/2470244429/
THIS is what the hell I'm talking about when I give a "location" most of the time. Since it'd be stupid to say "in front of my computer" or "my house," I'm giving you a location on this mental map. Yep... So that's it. Some days I can't place it, though.